Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker DBA Skywalker Ltd, originally founded on the desert planet of of Tatooine, has this past week secured $9 million Series A venture funding. Skywalker Ltd (formerly Jedi Order Amalgamated) currently operates a network of “The Force”, a mystical energy that flows throughout the galaxy. This Series A funding round will close on December 20th, 2019.
Former Skywalker Ltd CEO and primary shareholder Ghost Luke Dobbu Scay stated in a press release, “We’ve passed on all we know, one thousand generations live in you now, but this is your fight. We’ll always be with you. No one is ever really gone.” Current CEO Rey followed that up saying that Luke was using too much of the Force and had to be forcibly removed from the rhetorical island in order to move the company forward.
The $9 million in funding was led by Solo Venture Partners and supported by its co-founder Leia Organa. “We believe in the Force,” said Organa after floating mysteriously through space then returning to her ship. “This is the kind of business my founding partner [Han Solo] reluctantly wanted our investments to support. The Force flows through all of us and anything we can do to financially make sure it continues to produce positive results is a no-brainer.”
The new $9 million in funding will be used to further expand Skywalker Ltd infrastructure to meet rapidly growing rebel forces demand, expand its member portfolio and increase its Dark Side penetration. The Force patented technology is solving a critical problem for the universe cause by an imbalance in current Force offerings between the Dark and Light sides.
The Series A funding is meeting some market opposition however, as current Dark Side acting CEO Kylo Ren released a statement over the weekend addressing Skywalker Ltd’s funding search and name change. “The Jedi Order is a dead business model. Re-branding as Skywalker Ltd is not going to save them, they don’t own the Force. They don’t! It’s not fair!” Ren also addressed questions surrounding the Dark Side’s inability to maintain a standing CEO. “Snoke served his purpose, but we all know I’m the real boss over here at the Dark Side. Who is laughing? What is that laughing? The Jedi don’t own the Force. This is ridiculous. Join us. Who is laughing?”
The will they won’t they branding agency Finn and Poe released a statement supporting the decision of Skywalker Ltd to seek further funding. “It’s a great opportunity to work with a company dedicated to bringing about peace in the universe,” said Poe Dameron of Finn and Poe of the partnership opportunity. “Finn and I look forward to assisting Rey in finding her place as CEO of Skywalker Ltd and securing a future for those who work on the light side of the Force.”
In order to clean up its balance sheet in advance of securing funding, Skywalker Ltd forfeited a number of key assets in order to clear up capital depreciation. One of those assets was the Milenium Falcon, transferred to Lando Calrissian of Cloud City Space Transport and Party Supplies. Said Calrission of the acquisition, “I told Han I’d get this ship back and thanks to its built-in Wookie, I feel that it will be a great help to the development of Skywalker Ltd and all its future endeavors. And smuggling sh*t across the universe.”
Rey and Skywalker Ltd are not phased by the opposition raised by the Dark Side and optimistic for the future of the Force. “Even though Luke never really left the island,” Rey told key investors at a recent funding meeting, “I believe that Skywalker Ltd has the potential to change the outcome of the entire universe. With the help of my new CTO who is a soccer ball that beeps, and our partnership with the marketing team of Finn and Poe, we can take Skywalker Ltd to heights never reached by its predecessor(s).”